Today was a very happy day. The sun was shinning and the air was warm. The boys spent two hours playing out in the sunshine. Owen rode his bike and played with his buddy across the street and Rai pushed his Tonka truck down the sidewalk. I chatted with friends and mostly sat enjoying the warmth on my face! It was blissful. It was exactly what I needed. Last week I felt funky. I think it may have been the gloomy weather. It could have been my slacking in remembering to take my prescription. Heck it could have been PMS! I also have had several deep thoughts in my head.
I think I have had to process this over the past few weeks. My anger with God came back a little. I sat there and have thought, You know this would happen and yet you didn't stop it. These thought provoked more thoughts. And it brought me to several thoughts on love. I struggle with love. I have a hard time loving and a really hard time being loved. I have walls. They are high and they are brick. I am guarded. It stems from several things, but mostly from divorce in my family and the lack of a healthy marital example. I was hurt, by my parents. It sounds silly. After all I am 32 years old. Even still all these years later it hurts. I have questioned love for years- and I have a warped view of love. I sat last week and started to lament to God. I told him I was mad. I swore. I cried. I wanted to understand love. I thought and I asked this question, If we cannot love someone where they are, can we love at all?
Growing up love was earned and love came only once you did the right steps. You were not loved freely and you were judged every single step you took. I was not loved by my church when I was broken, only when I was whole. Only when I read my Bible every day and wore the right things. When I switched churches, I was unwelcomed and most of all unloved. Loving someone where they are is hard. People hurt us and we are called to love them. I struggle with this. Then I thought about my marriage and I started to smile. Let me tell you it has not been easy. It has been the hardest thing I have ever done. But I realized something about myself. I have loved Scott where he was. This summer he was broken, he was angry and he was alone. Yes, I was mad and hurt. But I did the best I could to still love him. To let him go for a bit, to pray for him and to honor him as my children's father. It was hard, but it was worth it.
I am still processing. I am still questioning God here and there. With every question, He answers. He is showing me how to love. I am learning how to feel love for the first time in a long time. I am lucky and blessed. I am still wondering what this was all for. Everyday, I see more and more of the answer unfolding. It is helping me.